So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
