Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
