I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
