Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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