Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
