I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
