His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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