she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize