people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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