I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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