Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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