When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
