I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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