Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
