Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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