I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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