Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize