the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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