i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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