just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
