I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
