What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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