Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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