So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
