Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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