I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
