She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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