Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
