I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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