just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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