Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
false alarm, still single
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
