i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize