Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
