Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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