Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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