oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
