She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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