It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
