Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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