I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
