It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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