I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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