You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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