Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
