she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
