I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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