exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dignity is for republicans.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
