Umm I'm too high to move.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
