I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
