i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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