she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize