you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
