It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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