Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
