Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
