So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
