Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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