Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
