i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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