I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
