I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
do herpes really smell.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
