The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
