what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
