Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
